In this post, I’ll be expressing my most HONEST “brain stuff”, and that might offend some people, and I may lose a lot of followers because of this.. but I feel like I should say it anyways? I just don’t want to continue to bottle up all my feelings (and I’ve wanted to make a post like this for a really long time).
I see it everywhere. The whispers here and there about me and my blog. I see it. Am I really that unapproachable? ever since this blog got “popular” (although I really don’t get how that happened, and don’t believe that it is “popular”. People tell me), people have been treating me differently.. like, I dont know, all formal?
Dear cloud, sorry! don’t want to bother you, am I interrupting? bless you! can I use this idea? sorry, so sorry.
I mean I understand that’s obviously normal because if you were to talk to Obama you’d be all formal… this is out of my control. Plus its not that of a big deal, I just wanted to clear my throat in this post and spit out all my thoughts.
I’ve been trying really hard to post, even though I REALLY wan’t to quit Fantage. I find a way to get on WordPress at 12 am on my glitchy af phone to upload content, think of “funny” posts, just to make people happy. I have a whole binder of ideas that I used to carry around, and inside were ideas for my blog.
What am I even doing? who am I living for?
And I try my best, and people say I got a popular blog and all, but I don’t feel successful. I’ve forgotten about a lot of things, and I just post whatever I think will make people laugh. I didn’t think that what I was saying was racist, I didn’t know. (I read a confession where I was described as a “racist prick”. Gotta admit, they’re half right.)
I feel like people look up to me, literally, like an evil thing that will crush people if they piss me off. I feel, and I know, that people lowkey hate me. I’ve posted about a ton of things that I shouldn’t have because I’m dumb, and childish. And when I “grow up” I’ll look back at this blog and smack my self in the face, but then probably laugh about it.
Nowadays I know my blog isn’t liked by a lot of people. I KNOW. Don’t tell me this isn’t true, because I know it is. I understand that I gained a broader audience so I try to post things that wouldn’t offend people. So I stick to formal. I stick to robot posts, posts that don’t really mean anything, just plain information, and basic jokes. But deep down I don’t like that. That isn’t me.
If you take a look at my posts from 2013, and 2014, yeah that’s mainly the real me. The imperfect human being that sometimes cracks inappropriate jokes, that talks about random things, and make fun of Fantage’s mistakes. That’s the real me. Do I care? yes, that’s why I’ve changed and become a robot.
I TRY not to hurt people’s feelings, I try my best, but I don’t succeed???
The views, and followers, that’s not evidence for true success. For all I know people could be following me just for my giveaways, and not because they like me. I could be getting all these views from people who wan’t to see my “Free Fantage Accounts” page, and not because people truly like my posts?
And I know even this post is a mistake to post. Everything’s a mistake. This blog is a mistake. Shouldn’t have done any of it, yet my heart’s saying I should. Does that even make any sense?? (please don’t analyze my words carefully. I know I’m a hypocrite to myself).
Yeah. In the end of the day what matters to me most is that people truly like me for me, and not only temporarily liking me because of an ongoing giveaway.
I’ve already developed so many negative bonds, I can’t undo it.
Its too hard, to post and blog about something EVERYONE agrees on. Why can’t I just be me? (let me answer that… because people don’t like the real me. Nobody knows who that is).
I wan’t to crawl into a time machine, and go back to 2013, where I had just a handful of viewers who liked me and my blog, and I knew every single one of them so I can give them something they’d like. For them it was like going to a restaurant and choosing their favorite thing on the menu… except there was no menu.
I don’t want this.
And I don’t want attention and I’m not trying to gain any attention. I just want to get this load off my back, okay?
So I’m sorry for this….
Sorry for everything, sorry I can’t fulfill your needs, sorry! so sorry.